Metaphorical Kayaking

[netgirl_y2k]

I've been on a self imposed news blackout since Tuesday, which I broke today to check the UK headlines (on the off chance that Nicola Sturgeon has been advocating for ceding from planet Earth out of sheer bafflement) and the first thing I saw was a picture of Trump and Nigel Farage gurning in a gold plated elevator. And, like, sorry America, I know you've been through a lot already, but jaysus keep him, we don't want him back.

I think that's the thing I haven't been able to get my head around since Brexit. If there ever was a populist revolution, and God knows, maybe there should be, one of the ways you'll be able to tell that it's on the level is that it probably won't be being spearheaded by a self proclaimed billionaire and the anthropomorphic personification of the Daily Mail.

Anyway, on a totally different subject: asexuality.

I've been talking about being asexual, or grey ace, or kinda ace on tumblr for a while, mostly to get used to using the word. And the other day an anon asked me to talk about it, and I did, and because using words is good and how we get comfortable with them, I'm going to talk about it more here.

It's funny, because I knew I was gay when I was fifteen, but the asexual thing is a revelation I've had within, like, the last year. So that's the best part of twenty years between Hey, I'd like to kiss that girl and Hey, I'd like to kiss that lady but, er that's probably all...

I suppose it's not so surprising, it's always harder to prove a negative. And because I didn't have the word asexual until comparatively recently I called it all sorts of other things. I thought it was my hilarious self-loathing issues at play; I thought it was internalised misogyny or internalised homophobia; I thought I just had a low sex drive (like, really low, super low, nonexistent low.) I called myself celibate for a long time, but stopped because celibacy implies that you're somehow depriving yourself; it's not really a diet if you just don't care for the taste of cake.

I like grey ace as an umbrella term; a little because it makes me sound like a wizard in a fantasy trilogy, but mostly because I don't hate sex; I've liked it fine in the past, but if it were never to happen again I wouldn't notice or care.

I was a carer for an elderly relative with dementia for the better part of a decade; and let me tell you, that will put a dent in anybody's social life. But I came out the other side of that and of all the things I'd missed (having a job, going on holiday, being able to go out for the day without arranging respite care weeks in advance) sex wasn't one of them.

Kissing on the other hand? Boy, do I miss kissing.

I've been talking about this to one of my offline mates, and because, bless him, he got this blank-yet-attentive look at the word asexual, the analogy I've been using is about kayaking. To whit:

My relationship to sex is not unlike my relationship to kayaking. I’ve never had a bad or traumatic experience kayaking; I'm not like this because of some sort of near drowning. And if I met someone who I really liked and wanted to make happy, and they wanted to take me kayaking? Then sure, maybe. Enthusiasm is contagious, and people who’re very keen kayakers are often good at the technical, fiddly bits of kayaking. But it would never occur to me to suggest kayaking, and in all honesty I’d prefer to be doing almost anything else, up to and including actual, literal kayaking.

In conclusion: sex has now been renamed kayaking; for added confusion, kayaking will still be called kayaking.

Comments

[likeadeuce]

That kayaking metaphor is great, thank you!

[netgirl_y2k]

The kayaking metaphor is happens when I try to translate the way we talk in online social justice spaces to my mostly straight, mostly male mates from the pub who-- I love them, and they're my friends for a reason, but it's like there's a language barrier sometimes, you know?

[likeadeuce]

Honestly, it's a useful thing for ME & it has some relevance to my identity.

[netgirl_y2k]

In that case, I'm happy to have overthought this for the both of us :)

[such_heights]

This sounds very similar to where I'm at - I hear you, friend! And I love the kayaking metaphor.

[netgirl_y2k]

The really nice thing about starting to talk about this is realising I'm not alone. Thank you, friend.

The kayaking metaphor is what happens when I try to translate the way we talk in online, social justice spaces to the mostly straight Scottish lads I drink and watch rugby with - great guys and not a bad bone between them, but there's a language barrier, you know?

[ravurian]

Oh, mate, me too. I knew I was gay before I knew there was a word for it, but like you, the ace thing has only really occurred to me in the last year. It doesn't feel entirely accurate, but tumblr has provided a very interesting set of possibilities. Autochorissexual seems like the most proximal definition for me (though even that doesn't seem completely right) - is that what you mean by grey ace? I honestly thought I'd have a better idea about this stuff by now.

I miss kissing and hugs. But sex never really felt like it was about me.

[netgirl_y2k]

Oh, mate, I'm so glad it's not just me.

Grey ace seems to be one of those deliberately vague things which means whatever you need it to mean. I've been using it so mean 'not sex repulsed but with no sex drive to speak of.' I mean, there might be a word that means exactly that, but right now it's as far as I feel comfortable going into the identity politics of it all.

It's kind of interesting how it intersects with the gay thing, because it's not lost on me that were I straight, I probably would just have, ahem, lay back and thought of Scotland. Because lesbian sexuality required me to be, er, a little more involved in proceedings I had more of a chance to really examine my responses or, um, lack thereof.

Yep, kissing and hugs, and, oh, hand-holding! I really miss hand-holding.

[ravurian]

Hand-holding, yes, and just casual physical affection of the not necessarily boning variety. Curling up on the couch with someone. Falling asleep on someone's shoulder, or them on yours. I'm not aromantic, damn it.

[adafrog]

In conclusion: sex has now been renamed kayaking; for added confusion, kayaking will still be called kayaking.
lol Awesome.

I have a slightly similar relationship to kayaking. It's funny that this is a thing, because I feel different from normal and not able to be categorized, but then they are not even the right category anyway...nevermind. lol Random.


ETA: sometimes I really miss cuddling.

[netgirl_y2k]

Cuddling, yes, and hand-holding, sometimes I just really want to hold someone's hand.

[fyrdrakken]

I've been coming to the gradual realization myself, that when I briefly tried dating in my early-to-mid-twenties and set it aside as "something I'll get back into when I've got a bit more free time," that was over a decade ago and I just turned 39 and I didn't really miss it from my life and now I think it's a bit late to try to start back up again. I like having crushes on fictional people and then being able to go about my daily life and not have to worry about someone else demanding excessive amounts of my time and attention and care. (Aside from pets and plants, which I now have plenty of.) And given the recent election results, not having to worry about affording birth control (or obtaining an abortion, did something go wrong) is comforting.

[netgirl_y2k]

The fact that women in the US are feeling like they have to line up for long term birth control while they still can is genuinely alarming.

I don't know, dude, I haven't decided if I want to try dating in the future, or how I might negotiate the ace thing, but the world is so scary right now it feels like a good time to be going through life on the buddy system.

[fyrdrakken]

And I just learned last night my sister is pregnant (her third, due in June), so she hasn't got the option of getting a replacement IUD anytime soon. (I suspect she's planning on this being her last -- especially if this is the girl she hoped for last time around.)

As for going through life on the buddy system, I'm living with my mother, and since she refinanced the house (without mentioning it to me until after that fact that she's going on the assumption I'll be there for the next thirty years to help her pay it off) I think we're both assuming we'll be living together until I have to shuffle her off into a home because I can't take care of her by myself anymore. (Note that Mom's mother is my last surviving grandparent, is 91, and has been in a home for two years, and mainly went because my mother and sister had one spare bedroom and one stay-at-home housewife between the two of them, but not in the same household. So barring something sudden, I expect Mom to be around and functional for the next few decades -- she just turned 63 this month.) So I'm sharing a house with someone I can trade off on petcare with and generally trust to have my back. (Though she does sometimes pull shit like babysitting for my sister with no advance warning when I've got work that night and would like to get a few hours of sleep. But that's my sister's fault for A) springing the request on her and B) not showing up to pick up her kids until just in time to get in the way when I'm trying to gather things up and bolt out of the house at 11:30pm to get to work.)

[parcequelle]

I have had very little to do with discussions of this nature on Tumblr (or elsewhere, for that matter!), and hadn't heard the term grey ace before now, so I found this really enlightening and interesting to read. I especially love how you've expressed that this isn't caused by a traumatic experience, but is simply a preference; I have had similar discussions with people re: being a lesbian and have always been like, "No, it's not because of a man..." so I really appreciate the clarity of the metaphor from the perspective of asexuality. Thank you for sharing!

P.S. I also found the part about enthusiasm/enthusiastic people often being good at the fiddly bits great!

[netgirl_y2k]

Yeah, the kayaking metaphor had its origins in conversations I was having with people about being a lesbian (no, seriously, it's really not about a man...) and I still haven't figured out how I'm going to reconcile the gay thing with the ace thing, or even if I want to, but in the meantime it's a multipurpose metaphor.