netgirl_y2k

Or "Jupiter: Le Destin de l'Univers" for those of you living in France and "Jupiter Ascending" for those of you who don't have to deal with the absurdity that is French rebranding. (French movie renaming believes in going big or going home. The fate of the Earth? Ha! We will make it about THE FATE OF THE UNIVERSE instead.)

I saw the movie in 3D and VOSTFR, for the record. I can't speak for any other version, but I will note that the subtitles had Caine call Jupiter "vous" and Jupiter call Caine "tu", at least once they were in space. Make of that what you will.

For various reasons, it took me a while to go and see this movie. There is apparently a direct correlation law between how well-laid my plans to see a movie are and how likely I am to scramble a last minute outing instead because all the well-laid plans fell through. See also the Avengers saga.

Anyway, I loved this movie. LOVED IT.

It was everything I was told it would be and more. I was told it was a 'grand spectacle'/big spectacle kind of movie and was it ever. I was told a lot of other things too, but somehow no one ever saw fit to mention, between all the crowing about how much Jupiter loves being called "Your Majesty" or various people's lack of shirts, that it's a damn good movie.

Actually, I'll go further. It's not a perfect movie, but for the type of movie it is (iddy wishfulfilment space opera adventure) it comes pretty damn close.

To get the few criticisms I had out the way first: some of the fight scenes jumped a little too fast between cuts which made the action a little hard to follow, wearing 3D glasses over prescription glasses is as annoying as ever (I may have missed some details because either/both of the glasses were often slipping down my nose) and it's really realy not a subtle movie. The only way the movie could have been any less subtle about its opinion on capitalism would be if, after/during Balem's big speech on how some lives are worth more than others, there had been a title card saying "CAPITALISM: WE DON'T LIKE IT!". (And just so we're clear, that attitude of Balem's is how you know he's the bad guy, as it should be.)

I've heard some people complain that it wasn't intellectual/philosophical/etc enough, which is strange, because the movie never pretended to be any of these things. From the very beginning of all the promo material I've seen for it, all it every pretended to be was "iddy wishfulfilment space opera adventure". Judging it for the movie it isn't instead of the one it is is a bit like complining that Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark is not a serious WW2 film.

This is not Apollo 13. This is Guardians of the Galaxy.

Here's the thing about Jupiter Ascending: you've seen this movie before, probably more than once. I know I have. It's the exact kind of iddy wishfulfilment space opera adventure that's dime a dozen. Well. Almost, and I'll get to that.

Wishfulfilment stories usually that the form of "This boring, mundane life is not Our Hero's real life. In truth, he's secretly Very Important and destined For Great Things".

Matrix is "This boring, mundane life is not Keanu Reeves' real life. In truth, he's secretly The One and destined to free humanity from their robot overlords". Star Wars is "This boring, mundane life is not Anakin/Luke Skywalker's real life. In truth, he's secretly a Jedi and destined to bring balance to the Force". Lord of the Rings: "This boring, mundane life is not Frodo Baggins' real life. In truth, he's secretly the only one who can carry the One Ring and destined to destroy it".

Need I go on? Because I can.

Guardians of the Galaxy: "This boring, mundane life is not Peter Quill's real life. In truth, he's secretly A SPACE PIRATE with a heart of gold and destined to foil Ronan's attack on Nova Prime". Superman: "This boring, mundane life is not Clark Kent's real life. In truth, he's secretly the last son of great Krypton and destined to be Earth's greatest hero".

There's a lot more where those came from, but I trust I've made my point.

Witness now the basic plot of Jupiter Ascending: "This boring, mundane life is not Jupiter Jones' real life. In truth, she's secretly a space princess and destined to inherit the Earth".

It is literally the exact the exact same wishfulfilment plot, except for one thing. She's a she where he was a he and that changes everything.

When we thing of wishfulfilment fantasy, we think of the kind of things a twelve year old would find cool. More precisely, we think of the things a twelve year old (presumed straight) boy would find cool: Space adventures! Hot babes in leather! SPACE ROLLER BLADES!

Jupiter Ascending asks you to think of the things a twelve year (presumed straight) girl would find cool: Space adventures! Dudes without their shirts on! SPACE ROLLER BLADES!

And it is glorious.

In a way, the movie reminds me of Fifth Element, with its complete unwillingness to apologise for what it is. This is a movie that says 'Come with me, leave your disbelief at the door, and you'll have the time of your life'.

It's a movie that knows what it is and that is wishfulfilment and by all the stars in the sky, it will fulfill all those wishes and turn everything up to eleven.

Dudes without shirts: The only character who doesn't take of his shirt at any point is Sean Bean. There's an entire fight scene where Channing Tatum doesn't wear a shirt. Balem at one point wears a choker and a cape but still no shirt. You want abs? this movie says. I'LL GIVE YOU ABS.

The Love Interest: He's her bodyguard! But also he's half-wolf! And half-albino! And he needs a pack! And he calls her "your Majesty"! And he's ~troubled with a heart of gold! And he used to have wings! When he waers shirts (which is apparently as little as possible) he wears leather! He's very loyal!

Space princess: Bees recognise royalty! SHE OWNS THE EARTH! Because her past self owned the greatest economic empire in the galaxy.

(I'll take a moment of your time to mention that all three Abrasax siblings are naked on screen at one point.)

It's a movie that's as OTT as it can and revels in it, because it is very, very earnest.

Another thing I really really loved about the movie: it's not all white. Space has the unfortunate tendancy to look like some dropped a bottle of bleach all over it.

This movie shows us a space society where a black woman can lead the Space Police and a South Asian man be her ship's pilot and an East Asian woman and a black man be bounty hunters. None of this is remarkable. (Notice also how as soon as the movie moves to space, there is no more sexism.) This was really refreshing and I wish more movies would do this. Show us a world where everyone gets to have space adventures, not just the twelve year old boys whose wishfulfilment these kind of movies usually are.

I wish the movie had found a way to show acceptance of LGBTQ people as well, but the closest we come to that is the line about Channing Tatum and Sean Bean's fight being a "male mating ritual". You will note that neither of them protests this description in anyway.

Most of all, though, this movie is all that, but it's fun. It's got space fights and high speed chases and brawls in crumbling buildings and gorgeous shots of space and architecture and great costumes. It's also visually stunning. (For an idea, you can look at the lookbook.)

Speaking of architecture, I really liked the way all three Abrasax siblings had a distinct archictural style from what we saw of their holdings. There are similarities (arches! aaaaaaaaaaaall the arches! and high ceilings) but they are still distinct. Kalique's style is pretty clearly inspired by Medieval Morocco, Titus by Gothic cathedrals and Balem by Art déco. Meanwhile, the administration on Orus felt like USSR steampunk. Great understated wordbuilding.

I want to say they also all had different fashion styles, but I know next to nothing about fashion.

(I will pretend that the Legion is space!Romans, because if they hadn't wanted me to think it was space!Romans, they wouldn't have called it the Legion.)

I also love Jupiter. I love how she always tries to make the righ decision, even if it costs her, like when SPOILER: she chooses to save the Earth over saving her family /SPOILER. I like how ressourceful she is. I know some people think she was too trusting and/or she didn't think anything through, but I'd like to point out that the movie takes place in less than a day, two days at maximum: early on, Balem orders for Earth to be harvested "tomorrow" and as Earth is decidedly unharvested by the end... Plus, it's in the best interest of all three Abrasax siblings to not give her time to think things through or else she might see through the giant holes in their various plots (which she does, by the way).

There is a point where one of the Abrasax siblings -- I want to say Titus, but it might have been Balem -- tells Jupiter that the person she's a reincarnation of "never cleaned toilets a day in her life". Jupiter's answer? "Maybe that was her problem". I think she's right and that's why I didn't mind when she went back to Earth at the end: she's making sure that she satys Jupiter and doesn't become one of the Abrasax. That, and she gets to spend time with a family that isn't made of murderous, incestuous sociopaths.

Overall it was movie I really really enjoyed and if I can see it again, I definitely will. (And if it had been based on a book/there was a novelisation, I would read it in a hot second.)