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A bunch of you asked me to talk about my dog, as was quite proper and correct.

This is Freya, and also a visual illustration as to why it took me forty-five minutes to change the sheets tonight:



And this is Freya's wee face, which will show why she gets away with such carry on:



Freya's favourite tv show is the Netflix show Dogs, mostly because by the end of every episode I've come over all soppy about how brilliant dogs are and then remember that there's a dog right there that I can make a fuss over.

Freya's favourite food is food, and her least favourite is things that aren't food.

Freya got herself accidentally shut in the cupboard under the stairs for an hour and a half, and didn't cry, bark, scratch or rip into the open bag of dog food. Just sat there like I guess I live in this cupboard now, seems legit.

Freya rides in the car sat up in the passenger seat looking out the window like lady muck.

Freya may not be the best dog in the world, but she is the softest to the touch. I cannot over-emphasise how lovely she is to pet.

Freya got turned down by pets as therapy because she's too friendly

Freya has a vendetta against spaniels. All of them. I think they owe her money.

Even though Freya's broken leg is all healed up whenever anyone is petting her she will lift the leg up pathetically in a shameless play for sympathy/extra pets.

Freya will never get bored or fed up of being petted. You just have to eventually stop. She will cry. Be strong.

Freya once stole a packet of monster munch from a baby in a buggy.

Freya loves children; they taste of jam.

Freya's current nemesis is the inflatable santa the people across the way have put up in their garden.

Freya thinks that those stone lions that some people put in their driveways are real cats, and that she could take them in a fight.

Freya thinks she is a guard dog and will defend me with her life against people trying to deliver Chinese food I have ordered, weird noises the boiler makes, and that other dog that lives in the mirror. She doesn't like the look of that other dog.

Freya does have an advent calendar, there's carob in it; she also has a bottle of dog beer to have on christmas day, it's chicken flavour, and it is of vital importance that this be kept far, far away from the person beer.

Freya is the best dog in the world, actually.

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