netgirl_y2k: (aspirin)
[personal profile] netgirl_y2k
Title: The Biennial Interdimensional All-Girl Swordfighting Tournament
Fandom: Doctor Who/Legend of the Seeker/Merlin/Warehouse 13
Characters: Amy Pond, River Song, Cara Mason, Kahlan Amnell, Morgana, Morgause, Myka Bering, H.G. Wells
Rating: G
Word Count: 1330
Summary: Eight grown, reasonably competent, variously armed women looked at the squid. The squid looked back.

Amy Pond materialised. This would have been perfectly normal and usual were it not for the fact that the TARDIS failed to materialise with her. She was standing on a woodland path, in front of her was a wooden sign bearing the words: BIENNIAL INTERDIMENSIONAL ALL-GIRL SWORDFIGHTING TOURNAMENT.

Amy made a quick mental list of all the things wrong with this situation and picked one at random. "But I don't have a sword."

"Don't worry, sweetie, you can borrow mine."

"River?" River Song was striding towards her wearing a chainmail shirt and carrying a broadsword. Pity the Doctor was missing this, really. "Did you bring me here?"

"I didn't bring myself here, Amy. One minute I was having a marvellous time with a very bendy red-haired space pirate, the next I was here."

"The Doctor and Rory...?"

"Back on the TARDIS, I imagine. The Doctor doesn't really qualify for an all female competition. At least, not yet."

Not yet? Something to remember.

"Come on." River looped her arm through Amy's. "Let's meet the others."

River led Amy over a slight rise where she could see four women standing awkwardly by the shore of lake. But all of that paled in the face of "--Is that a squid?"

"Hmm," confirmed River. "An interdimensional colossal squid, to be exact."

"But shouldn't it be more...?" Amy half collapsed against River in a floppy impression of what she thought a giant arctic squid should look like in the shallows of a pleasant sun dappled lake.

"It's like an iceberg," said River. "But rather than most of it being underwater most of it is in another dimension."

Indeed instead of suffocating under its own weight, which seemed right and proper, the squid was staring at them, beakily.

"And the squid is what," Amy asked, "the referee?"

"Well, somebody has to be."

"You're serious? The squid wants us to fight. But what on earth for?"

"She's probably bored. Can't be all that interesting, being a squid."

She? Amy would have thought it was a boy squid. Perving on girls fighting seemed much more like a boy thing. Then again, she should probably thank her lucky stars that it wasn't mud wrestling. Although...

"Ladies, this is Amy Pond," River introduced her to the women already present. Amy realised that it wasn't so much four women standing together as two pairs of women facing off with each other.

"Amy, this is Cara and Kahlan." Amy immediately mentally renamed them Scary Leather-Clad Dominatrix and Scary Leather-Clad Dominatrix's Much Smilier Girlfriend.

Amy shook Kahlan's hand and River continued with the introductions. "And this is Morgana and Morgause."

The other two women both wore matching expressions, as though they'd just smelled something unpleasant. Although, the squid did whiff a bit so Amy didn't suppose she should take it personally.

The brunette was wearing what appeared to be fifty-seven layers of silk and velvet - get her and the Doctor together and they'd be able to have a Least Appropriately Dressed For Any Given Situation Competition - and the blonde was wearing some sort of silver bathrobe that did nothing to disguise the fact that she was really very pregnant. Seriously, she looked as though she was about to drop. Amy suddenly wished for Rory or the Doc-- No. Rory. Definitely Rory.

"Hi," Amy said with a wave.

"I wonder if we're still waiting for anyone?" asked River.

River's impeccable timing raised its head again as a pair of voices came from beyond the tree line.

"When we get back to the Warehouse I'm going to tell Artie to bronze you again. Twice."

"Why do you assume this is my fault?"

"You mean other than that you're a dangerous megalomaniac who tried to end the world?"

"Ladies, sorry to interrupt your domestic disagreement," River addressed the two brunettes who'd wandered over the ridge.

One woman stepped past her scowling companion and held her hand out to River. "Helena Wells, delighted."

"H.G. Wells," her frowny friend muttered.

Huh, thought Amy, she could probably win a fiver off the Doctor with that nugget of information. She could probably win a tenner off Rory.

"This is Myka Bering," said Helena.

"That's Agent Bering to you," said Myka. "What's going on here?"

Amy rolled her eyes. "Didn't you see the sign?"

"But we're not actually going to fight, right?" said Myka.

"I, for one, refuse to perform for the amusement some slimy bored cuttlefish," grumbled Cara. "Darken Rahl was bad enough."

Amy found herself warming to Cara, she might look like the world's most conspicuous biker, but she talked sense.

"How do we get home?" asked Morgana.

Eight grown, reasonably competent, variously armed women looked at the squid. The squid looked back.


Cara waded back out of the lake. "Agieling the squid didn't work."


"Right," said Myka, "if this is a tournament we should form teams."

Amy's arm shot into the air. "I want River."

"Oh, sweetie, you're only human."

Cara stepped slightly in front of Kahlan, Morgana and Morgause sidled closer together and River draped her arm over Amy's shoulder.

Myka looked sideways at Helena. "Oh, come on."


The first match was between Kahlan and Morgana.

Morgana stripped out of her top twelve layers of clothing and actually looked to be doing okay, especially when that tree branch fell and nearly cracked Kahlan on the head. Which was weird, because they weren't actually fighting under any trees. But then Kahlan did this cool sort of spin kick thing and her boot connected with Morgana's temple and Morgana just crumpled.


Amy found herself standing next to Morgause. She glanced at her baby bump and said conversationally, "When's it due?"

Morgause gave her a withering look and Amy hoped Morgana's concussion wasn't permanently debilitating; the kid was going to need a chattier influence in its life.


The match between Myka and River ended when Myka got River into some sort of special secret service choke hold on the ground, River lay there looking like she was really rather enjoying herself and making no effort to escape.

Amy took the initiative and declared it a draw.


"Is this a good time to mention I've never handled a sword?" said Helena.

"I took fencing lessons," said Myka. "And last year I got into a fight with Excalibur."

"I've used Excalibur," interjected River. "I sent King Arthur home with his tail between his legs."

Morgause made a disgruntled sound, which probably had something to do with Morgana looking at River with that expression that Amy was getting used to seeing around Doctor Song, it meant: "I either want to sleep with you or grow up to be you, and I don't know which."


Cara jabbed Helena with one of those little, red cattle-prod-y things she was using instead of a sword. Helena gave a high yelp.

Huh, H.G. Wells was a girl.

Helena pulled out a grappling gun and fired. The hook went wild and caught one of the squid's tentacles. The creature lashed out, caught Helena around the ankles and dunked her head first into the lake.

If nothing else, it was the happiest Myka had looked all day.



"What can I do for you, Amy?"

"I don't actually know how to use a sword either."

"Don't worry," said River. "I have everything completely under control."


It turned out that River's chainmail ensemble - in addition to looking strangely alluring - allowed her to conceal two fully charged sonic stun weapons.

If the Doctor were here he would have said it was cheating, but Amy was with River on this one, winning was winning.


Reappearing onboard the TARDIS, Amy was quickly engulfed in arms and worried boys.

"Amy! Where have you been?"

"Sorry, boys. Had to partner River Song in a swordfighting tournament. Haven't been too worried, have you?"


In the dark between dimensions the colossal squid floated serenely. Best Biennial Interdimsional All-Girl Swordfighting Tournament ever.

Date: 2011-01-21 11:18 am (UTC)
woldy: (Morgause & horse)
From: [personal profile] woldy
Ahaha, sneaky squid FTW! Somehow, I can't imagine Morgause conceding at a swordfight even when heavily pregnant.

Date: 2011-01-21 06:07 pm (UTC)
ampersandand: warehouse 13: Myka on the phone with the sky above (and a tall americano with room)
From: [personal profile] ampersandand
good lord, that was awesome! everyone was spot on & hilarious. I specifically loved grumpyface!Myka!

Date: 2011-01-22 09:04 pm (UTC)
fitz_y: (morgause)
From: [personal profile] fitz_y
best multi-fandom piece ever. w00t. i finally got around to reading this piece and it made me grin like a loon. i don't know what i liked most, um oh yeah all of it. ♥ ♥ ♥

Date: 2013-02-15 02:02 pm (UTC)
jelazakazone: drawing of Mithian, Morgana, and a little Aithusa (mithian/morgana)
From: [personal profile] jelazakazone
I listened to silly_cleo's podfic of this and loved it! Great job. It's just perfect:D

Date: 2013-06-27 10:05 am (UTC)
idella: (ellen tigh)
From: [personal profile] idella
I had a lot of fun listening to the podfic of this! Such a fun, creative story!


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